"Take back these memories, they're no good to me"
What a terrible song, But isnt that what we all want to do. Couldnt we just shake our heads vigoriously and out comes the unwanted memories of death, tragedy, trails, boyfriends/girlfriends, fights we had, paretns, abuse. Anything. We can just shake them away, pour them from our minds never to be thought of again. No, not a pensieve, that once dumbledore so enviously has, for I too feel my mind swells and contracts from month to month. I am talking about Pouring these thoughts through my temple down the drain and into the hungry mouth of the sewers that lay below this dump of an earth and creatures of the deep will feed of those bad and terrible thoughts. Take them away! Take me! Why wont they just go and leave.
I am bound by the strength of every falicy or creulity that has been done to me, or I have so unfortunalty commited. And I am here to spill out not just my heart but everything I've got to own now. Here comesmy will and I have little strength left. Maybe its my new life, or my new style, or my new commitments. But I forget that there is a suttle beginning to all of thise, and I may just not quite be on easy street.
I am not saying I want to run, for god sakes, never run. I have been trying to run my entire life. Run away looking back only to see a faint glare in the distance which would be whatever I may have wanted to leave be hind.
No, pride...maybe morals had left me standing whereever I may be at that particular point. I just want to tip my head over and leave my bad thoughts with you. Take them, they're no good to me.
I have been srrounded by negative energy for the last few days and I guess it has finally bogged me down. It is nice to have some quite, but I havnt looked forward to starting somthing so completely new in a long time. Though everytime I think about my old school I urk and qeel a small amount in my chest. But I am here to move on and I here to do what others so much doubted I could do.
-A very important man in my life, whom I worked with for quite some time, once told me I live an interesting life. ANd indeed, this provoked a lot of thought. For this is a person who grew up in a bad area outside NYC and managed to make it into a highly esteemed state school, and is now pursueing his PhD at Cornell univeristy. And surely he has added quite a few things to the life during this amount of time. BUt this is the type of mind that what -meant- to do well, and succeed in the scholastic world. Comming from that kind of a mind, having him complement -me- on living an interesting life, that was a huge compliment. One of the best I have ever recieved. Something like that echoes in your head. Can somtimes even push other things aside, forcing you to concentrate on...maybe even linger, on that sentence. And It is this I take to heart. I now want to continue these thoughts. Puruse my hobbies that people think are interesting, and continue with my dreams and goals and desires. And I have all the support I could ever ask for, whether I realize it or appreciate it 100%, that is certinaly another story.

So here I sit world 3rd cup of coffe down, a chores list to boot and not intention to start it. I am afriad to take my mind off of things that are of lingering importance, I cannot allow that to happen. Somtimes if you can focue on teh bad stuff for long evnough, strong enough then eventually you can crack it. You must have your wits tied close to yur lions, and your mind best as hell be sharp. But mark my words. these bad thoughts -can- be cracked. A man who told me I was interesting knew quite a lot about me, but there were things, significant moments in my past that he knew not of. And which, I believe, would have made for an even ebtter story. Even he would be impressed. I've risen. ANd I am going to continue to rise. God damn I am going to continue to rise. However plagued and dreadful I feel bogged down by constant memories. I need to stand fucking tall and strong. This place is to new, this moment is to unique, and my life position is just so different than before. I couldnt imagine where it may go next. ANd the most I can possibly to is be perfect as possible. Patient and persistant. Patient...and persistant.
There are so many poepl out there doing everything they can to stay alive. And my battle front is here in milwaukee between a man with a mission and a demon who reisdes deep in his mind that seems bent on destroying whatever happiness he may achieve. My battle is here, my freedom is from within. You let me deal with it.